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(and several others) by Lisa Pike The day was sunny and warm, a light breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the platypus in the corner was playing chess. Silvia and Darian were jumping rope with the locals, and professor Halfwitstein had come up with a new design for his pebble. Everything was practically the same as the day before, except for one thing. The sun was backwards. Not like anyone could tell, because the sun is a sphere and appears the same color from all sides (not to mention that it rotates) but today it was backwards. The only reason Thirteen and a Half knew this was because she lived in the sun, along with all of the other Halves. And the reason she knew the sun was backwards was because the Grand Umph said so. The Grand Umph is just that. An Umph. He wears orange ties everyday, but insists that they are Tangerine colored. He demands that all Half products be purchased with Lire, and all Whole products purchased with either bananas or Coca Cola bottles .His skin is smooth as a baby's bottom after being in it's diaper for eight hours, and his nose hair has the texture of fine sand paper. Most of his proclamations are serious, especially the ones about pizza topping regulations, and his refusal to shave is always a topic of debate when in the vicinity of his arms. Despite the backwardness of the sun, life went on as usual. A small troop of little green men stomped by, hauling a red wagon full of empty Rogaine boxes on the way to the recycling center, and Josh was on his way home from the hospital after recovering from falling of a very high mountain. (luckily, the ibex hadn't been able to afford a plane ticket, only having 99,103 lire to his name). A small hunk of green cheese lay in the road. Josh didn't stop to pick it up. "Argh!" Darian tripped on the jump rope, and fell down in such a way that his name changed from a healthy peach to a healthy peach and unhealthy red. A Band-Aid was in order, but he had none. "Perhaps the green cheese?" suggested Silvia. "Or some eggnog?" "Or some E-coli, do you think?" "You don't need to be sarcastic." Five minutes and three twinkies later, Darian was as good as new. Or at least in the platypus's opinion. Orange juice is especially nice when it is orange flavored, but Susan (no relation to Susie who met her doom in the Alps) was satisfied with her grapefruit flavored replacement. It was orange in color, thanks to food coloring bought at the local supermarket, and matched her Burger King uniform perfectly. "Can I take your order?" she asks the stubby man in front of her. "One Whopper, please." answers the stubby man. "Would you like fries with that? "Excuse me?" stubby man backs away slowly a step or seventeen. "Uh, I said Elvis is the King" "Yeah, ok. Thanks". A door slams. A window breaks. Kevin gets sucked out the window of his plane. (You thought it was a Burger King window, didn't you? Ha! Ha! Ha!) "Where the HELL is my homework?" cried Josh. "Gurgle" said the ibex. "How the HELL did you get here?" "I found some lire in you luggage." "Oh, neigh, and all that. But I didn't have enough lire to fly you here." "I also found your credit card" "Ahh!" cried Josh. Josh proceeds to kick the ibex REALLY HARD, but forgets that both his legs are broken from falling off the mountain. "Ahh!" he cried again, this time from pain. (Duh, his LEGS are broken) "Gurgle" repeated the ibex. "Dare I ask, what does "gurgle" mean in ibex?" "I wouldn't if I were you." "I want to stand with you on a mountain I want to bathe with you in the sea I want to lay like this forever Until the sky falls down on me" Savage Garden Song ends, Michael Jackson breaks into tears, and Princess Diana's spirit appears in the form of a purple beanie baby. Song begins "I'm too sexy for my shirt So sexy it hurts" DJ is rushed to the hospital for pulling his groin muscle. |
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