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by Lisa Pike "Not again." "What?" "They got the principal." "That's the third one this month!" "I know." A puddle of blood slowly seeped across the white marble floor, pooling in the cracks between tiles. The murder weapon, a knife of exceptional quality, protruded from the dead man's chest. So much for Sanders. Who would be next? "Come on, Josh. Let's find Morrowood. He'll know who to elect next." Sam drew is own knife, making sure that it was clean. Wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea. He hadn't killed any principles in at least three months. "Yeah, sure." Noticing Sam's blade, "You sure you don't want to give that one more scrub? Remember, you went slumming last night, and wasted that hall monitor." That would explain why the hilt was sticky. Sigh. Hall monitors were such pests. They usually were promoted to principal. "Gimme some water." Josh and Sam wandered down the hall, grumbling about the latest weapons restriction. Those principals were such bastards! Not that many people were skewered daily. The more weapons that were legalized, the harder is got to find ones that were illegal. Pretty soon, they would have to order bazookas or something. Kinda hard to fit a bazooka in your back pack. "Attention. . .Attention. . ."crinkled the intercom. The static was horrible. Of course, that last secretary had been gutted, and her blood had clogged the machinery. The mechanics hadn't gotten around to fixing it yet. The intercom continued unrelentlessly. "New Regulations. Marijuana is available in he Cafeteria, for the regular lunch price of $1.75. Permits are no longer required. "crackle crackle faint pop "Also, all rifles confiscated last week are available for retrieval in the office, as they are now legal. Please refrain from shooting each other. . ." Damn. Sam had been looking forward to smuggling in some ammo for his own rifle. At least his knife was still illegal. But for how long? Giggling. What the hell could they be giggling about? It was Danna, of course, and her partner, Katerina. The new dress code seemed to suit them just fine. Too bad they had chosen the naked look. It was only December, for Satan's sake! Oh well. All the better for Josh and himself. Katerina stopped reading, and began to giggle incessantly, cursing the fact that she couldn't get enough air into the damn tight clothes she was wearing. Danna had noticed, too. Those jerks Josh and Sam her heading their way, probably cursing the latest rifle laws. One step backward for the Resistance. "So, like, marijuana is cheap now, and easy to et, Danna. Lets go and enjoy this new found freedom!" Ick. What kind of freedom could readily available marijuana provide? It just made it easier to get addicted and entrap yourself in a constant circle of highs and lows. Yeah, yeah, maybe having legalized some plant or other will keep all those idiots out there from overdosing on something manmade. Now could they could just blame nature. Ha. "Hi boys!" Danna, always ready to play along with the greasy-haired sex. Could cover. Play the ditz, hide the marijuana in her cleavage, play hard to get. It had worked so far. "Want to come with us to score some weed?" Flirtatious smile. What wonders "Liberated Seventeen Magazine" had done for their cover. Heroine as a means of birth control, and mace as a perfume. Absolute genius! New York muggers beware! Josh blushed lightly, and Sam jabbed him in the ribs. "ahh." he said. "It's not worth it anymore, now that it's legal. Maybe if it was LSD, but not some weed I can grow in my backyard." Katerina, under her breath, "well, at least these foolish laws are saving two lives, as pathetic as they are." Now it was Danna's turn to nudge her. Too late, though. "So, ladies, you are part of that pathetic little force you call a Resistance. A bunch of Wonder-bra Babies masquerading as cheerleader types with brains. Won't Morrowood be pleased to meet his new secretaries!" As if on que, the intercom burst into life, and the agonized screams of a freshly gutted secretary filled the halls. "And just in time, too." Sam grabbed Katerina by the arm, and Josh followed, with Danna. "Wait!" Katerina cried. "Let's make a truce!" Seeing that he wasn't much in the mood for a truce, she made a plan up, very, very fast. She really didn't want to be a secretary. They really weren't paid enough for what they didn't live through. "If you join the resistance, all of your weapons and drugs will be made illegal again!" Sam eyed her, his grip on her arm loosening. "Talk." "OK. Here's the deal. The Resistance wants to restore order to our lives. As you know, when the Prince of Gullibleisle conquered the world, he believed that removing the drinking and driving age restrictions would gain him support, which of course they did. Right?" "Yes "However, the people soon became bored with these restrictions, and started building submarines and trains that were illegal, so the Prince of Gullibleisle made those legal, too. The more he makes legal, the more illegal things are prized. . "I think I'm seeing your point. . ." ". . .so now, the world is in a state of complete anarchy. Every day, more and more vices are being legalized, and violence is spreading. Thieves and Assassins and Politicians are killing themselves and each other left and right. The world is in utter chaos!" "And your plan is to restore order and democracy, by taking away all of these long desired freedoms of the American people?" "Yes." "Pure genius. But what's in it for us?" Danna stepped in here. "In exchange for your aid, you will be privileged with your own crime ring once order is restored. You may have monopolies over marijuana and weapons, and be the most sought after men in the world." "It's a deal." The Prince of Gullibleisle sat in a hot tub, surrounded by his loyal mercenaries. He was rather worried about their loyalty, because those little green men kept mind probing them, and his psychologists were having difficulties proving to the mercenaries that they really shouldn't be poisoning the princes strawberry ice cream. The latest secretary was reading him a list of things to be legalized, and he was signing depositions as fast as he could, getting soap bubbles and body wash on the great majority. He was just about to sign a bill declaring cannibalism an accepted form of nourishment when the skylight above his head was suddenly in pieces in his tub. Four ropes dropped down on him from above, and four figures dropped to the floor, one of them landing rather ungraciously in a place he rather dislike being landed on. Scrambling out of the tub and throwing a towel about himself, the Prince of Gullibleisle had hardly regained his dignity and a dozen slashes on the soles of his feet when he suddenly found four poisoned daggers lodged in various parts of his anatomy. The world swam, and he saw a herd of elephants trample across his vision, each one wearing a polka-dotted swimsuit and curlers, before sliding into oblivion. Dying was rather painful, and had he lived a few seconds longer, the Prince of Gullible would have decided that he rather dislike the experience. Back in the world of the living, Katerina, Sam, Josh and Danna threw peanuts to the mercenaries, and handed out samples of Rogaine to the little green men, who were quite bald. This done, they proceeded to the Control Room, and turned on the World Intercom, which had no blood on it, and announced to the world that the Prince of Gullibleisle had been disposed of, and that all of his laws were nullified. They later discovered that thirteen million people. upon hearing the news, immediately overdosed on LSD, Heroine, and other assorted drugs, seven million people shot to death the person next to them, and three cockroaches actually died from radiation. Katerina and Danna co-ruled the world, and were the first female presidents of the United States. They ruled in relative peace until Sam decided to have a little fun and strangled them both. Josh, sick of being the sidekick, invoked an ancient Indian curse that caused Sam to be liquefied into a quivering blue ooze, and is now happily married to the Prince of Gullibleisle's Secretary, the sister of the artist formerly known as Prince. As for the rest of the world, life soon returned to normal, once the bodies had been removed. The black market experienced an explosion of price increases, and Josh made a fortune as a crime lord, while his lovely wife ruled the world and was constantly in the news for her affairs with Morrowood, who one bystander happened to catch on tape hugging her at a national press conference. As for the little green men, they soon purchased the Rogaine franchise, and the introduction of mind probing technology to the hair replacement industry made them the most successful little green men on Earth. |
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