There comes a time in every teenager's life when he or she just can't take it anymore. Extremely common in high schools across America, I-Just-Can't-Take-It-Anymore!-Osis, often mistaken with rebelliousness, drug abuse, and criminal insanity, is dropping boys and girls like china from a tall shelf. Once they hit the ground, they can never be put back together correctly. IJCTIA!-osis, often brought on by a sever case of HOS, lack of sleep or being kicked out of the library too many times, can cause dangerous side affects. Mandy, a Junior, said of her friend Cocoa, "She, like, cracked! Her books were all over the floor, there was a picture of her English teacher on the dart board, and all the stuffed animals had appointments with a certain Dr. Zigledicks." Cocoa, whom we later interviewed, told us "I Just Can't Take It Anymore!" She proceeded to run backwards down Concord Ave., throwing coin-shaped term papers at the cars driving by.

A former sufferer of IJCTIA!-osis, T-Rex, told us of his horrifying battle with the disease. "It was Sunday, I remember" he begins, fingering his IJCTIA!-osis A. pin. "It was around 4:00 in the afternoon, and I had this big project due the next day on the affinity between peanut butter and jelly. I also had a big math test and a report about the Monkeys." Shivers, then looks away. The next day at school, T-Rex showed up wearing green tights and a saber.

What can we do to prevent IJCTIA!-osis? It's not genetic, but it is contagious. Sufferers of IJCTIA!-osis should separate themselves from other non-sufferers, perhaps write in a journal or naked a multi-million dollar success movie on the front lawn. They should get some sleep, and return to school a day later. And, above all, they should avoid the ant worshippers of the basement. Oh no! They're after me! They have argyle socks! Help! Help! . . .